Yesterday was a terrible day, I won't go in to it all but there were lots and lots of tears and very little sleep. It may be the lack of sleep that is making me laugh so hard about this latest turn of events.
This doctor comes in as i am lying there half naked and presses on my bladder for a while and makes some notes on the computer than starts saying that the amnio and blood work all look ok but the baby's size is still not right. I stopped him and said if we are going to talk about this I would like to get dressed! I shouldn't find out what's going on when i am lying half naked and can't even make eye contact with him. He got a little flustered and offered to meet in his office.
We go to his office and he tells us the heart looks good, all the tests came back fine, etc. and the head is a normal size but the bones are really small and he thinks the baby may be a dwarf and he offers us an abortion. I was in shock. Then he said that he would like us to see a genetic specialist b/c there are more tests to do to determine if it is a dwarf but that he can't order them only a genetics specialist could. We asked why we would get an abortion and without looking up or acknowledging that i am in the lowest height percentile in the country he says some people don't want short children.
I am too delirius and sleep deprived to process any of this right now!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
labels
I've been thinking a lot about labels lately. Here's our baby not even born yet and he's already labeled as "delayed," "small" etc. Friday was another rough day. We got to the doctor's office and were told that I didn't have a referral from my midwife for the fetal EKG, when no one ever told me or her that we needed a referral considering that the doctor was the one who told me to get it. I couldn't get in touch with her and they almost wouldn't do it, but finally agreed to do it with a retro referral.
The baby as usual was not into accomodating these annoying techs and so it took almost 2 hours of pushing on my bladder before she could get all the shots of the heart she needed. At one point she left the room to take a break and rest her hand. She came back and asked when our next appointment with the doctor was. This is our appointment with the doctor, I said. "no, he's not here today," she replied, "you only made an appointment for an ekg not for a follow-up consult" That's when i flipped.
So a bunch of non-experts have now told us that the amnio looks ok, though the doctor has not confirmed that. The tech thought the heart looked fine, but the baby has only grown about an ounce and is now officially 3 weeks behind and we have no idea what that really means and neither does my midwife.
I have an acupuncture appointment for this afternoon that i am hoping will help get the blood flowing to the baby. And we have an appointment with this same doc tomorrow though the thought of returning to his office makes me want to vomit.
In brighter news Mr T's book comes out this week and we are having a big book release party on Thursday. . .
The baby as usual was not into accomodating these annoying techs and so it took almost 2 hours of pushing on my bladder before she could get all the shots of the heart she needed. At one point she left the room to take a break and rest her hand. She came back and asked when our next appointment with the doctor was. This is our appointment with the doctor, I said. "no, he's not here today," she replied, "you only made an appointment for an ekg not for a follow-up consult" That's when i flipped.
So a bunch of non-experts have now told us that the amnio looks ok, though the doctor has not confirmed that. The tech thought the heart looked fine, but the baby has only grown about an ounce and is now officially 3 weeks behind and we have no idea what that really means and neither does my midwife.
I have an acupuncture appointment for this afternoon that i am hoping will help get the blood flowing to the baby. And we have an appointment with this same doc tomorrow though the thought of returning to his office makes me want to vomit.
In brighter news Mr T's book comes out this week and we are having a big book release party on Thursday. . .
Friday, January 15, 2010
no good title
So my strategy this week, to get through the week has been to stay extremely busy. I have been going to lectures, working in coffee shops, leaving the apt. first thing in the morning and not coming back till late. It's been working pretty well until 3:00 AM rolls around. I actually fall asleep but then wake up at 3 and my mind is racing racing racing.
I just found out that my midwife's mother was killed in the earthquake in Haiti and their house was destroyed. This really presonalizes this horrible horrible disaster. I am so sad for her. And she is the one who called me Monday night to give me the initial test results of the amnio after having been up all night and having done 4 deliveries in 3 days, I guess that was the day before the earthquake hit. I don't really know Martine so well but I have a gut feeling that she comes from a long line of healers, I am sure her mom must have helped many people in Haiti. Life just feels so endlessly cruel and unfair sometimes. She is trying to get to Haiti to bring her father back here. He was coming home as the quake struck so he was not in the house. It's so unfathomable what has happened there.
I was thinking of documenting all the things Hjalmer (we've started calling this creature inside me Hjalmer, a helmeted Finnish soldier, I keep reminding Mr. T not to grow too attached to that name because it will not last!) has done, places he's been, people he's hung out with in utero. A record of his pre-journey journey.
So this week Hjalmer went to 4 different coffee shops, 2 i Brooklyn 2 in Manhattan each for over 3 hours. A lecture about prostitutes and surveillance in early 20th century NYC at the tenement museum, drinks with Mr. T's co-workers, a lame immigrant rights rally at Judson Memorial church, the playground at washington square park with Haya and Leah, a movie about garbage in Cairo, biked over the Manhattan bridge 4 times, a CSA meeting, a long meeting at the PACC office, the supermarket and post office. It's been a busy week in utero! Lets hope the nutrients are finally getting to him.
Now we are off to buy a card and give some money to Martine to bring to Haiti with her as soon as she is able to get a flight!
I just found out that my midwife's mother was killed in the earthquake in Haiti and their house was destroyed. This really presonalizes this horrible horrible disaster. I am so sad for her. And she is the one who called me Monday night to give me the initial test results of the amnio after having been up all night and having done 4 deliveries in 3 days, I guess that was the day before the earthquake hit. I don't really know Martine so well but I have a gut feeling that she comes from a long line of healers, I am sure her mom must have helped many people in Haiti. Life just feels so endlessly cruel and unfair sometimes. She is trying to get to Haiti to bring her father back here. He was coming home as the quake struck so he was not in the house. It's so unfathomable what has happened there.
I was thinking of documenting all the things Hjalmer (we've started calling this creature inside me Hjalmer, a helmeted Finnish soldier, I keep reminding Mr. T not to grow too attached to that name because it will not last!) has done, places he's been, people he's hung out with in utero. A record of his pre-journey journey.
So this week Hjalmer went to 4 different coffee shops, 2 i Brooklyn 2 in Manhattan each for over 3 hours. A lecture about prostitutes and surveillance in early 20th century NYC at the tenement museum, drinks with Mr. T's co-workers, a lame immigrant rights rally at Judson Memorial church, the playground at washington square park with Haya and Leah, a movie about garbage in Cairo, biked over the Manhattan bridge 4 times, a CSA meeting, a long meeting at the PACC office, the supermarket and post office. It's been a busy week in utero! Lets hope the nutrients are finally getting to him.
Now we are off to buy a card and give some money to Martine to bring to Haiti with her as soon as she is able to get a flight!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Good News!
The initial reading of the amnio came in and all looks good!! Still waiting for more results but we are on the right track!!!!
new video
To keep my mind off of things I spent a good portion of the weekend editing a book trailer for Mr. T's new book. Check it out!
Friday, January 8, 2010
feelin better
Thanks for everyone's support! Once I made it home last night I took a nice hot bath with healing bath salts that Becca got me in Israel and we lit some soothing candles and my uterus finally calmed down. A preview to what a contraction must feel like!
The bath helped tremendously and so did the ginger ale. I managed to get some gatorade and noodle soup down too. My midwifes both called to see how I was doing which was nice they were upset that the doctor hadn't told me that the amnio often leads to cramping and that they recommend bedrest after. As one of them said it's an invasive procedure! So I have been taking it really easy today. I woke up starving at 4:30 AM, (what else is new?!) I wonder where all the food is going if not to the baby! Athough as Mr. T pointed out the baby weighs 8 ounces instead of 10 ounces, it's hardly significant in the scheme of my body. . . It's amazing that those 2 ounces can cause so much stress and confusion.
But after my 4 AM snack I managed to sleep pretty soundly and woke up hungry but rested and my stomach is pretty much back to normal, so that's a relief.
Now we just get to play the waiting game, a game I'm good at in the best of times!
I just found out that an old friend of mine's father died. I grew up as an honorary member of her big loud fun family and have always loved her father, he was such a warm, generous and vivacious person. Too much sadness for one week.
The bath helped tremendously and so did the ginger ale. I managed to get some gatorade and noodle soup down too. My midwifes both called to see how I was doing which was nice they were upset that the doctor hadn't told me that the amnio often leads to cramping and that they recommend bedrest after. As one of them said it's an invasive procedure! So I have been taking it really easy today. I woke up starving at 4:30 AM, (what else is new?!) I wonder where all the food is going if not to the baby! Athough as Mr. T pointed out the baby weighs 8 ounces instead of 10 ounces, it's hardly significant in the scheme of my body. . . It's amazing that those 2 ounces can cause so much stress and confusion.
But after my 4 AM snack I managed to sleep pretty soundly and woke up hungry but rested and my stomach is pretty much back to normal, so that's a relief.
Now we just get to play the waiting game, a game I'm good at in the best of times!
I just found out that an old friend of mine's father died. I grew up as an honorary member of her big loud fun family and have always loved her father, he was such a warm, generous and vivacious person. Too much sadness for one week.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
long hard day
I woke up crying at 4:30 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep.
We met with the doctor for what I thought was a consult but turned in to an all day and incredibly painful affair.
The good news, very good news, is that all the organs are there, the spine and heart look good and nothing seems to be missing! The bad news is that the baby is smaller than it should be, about 2 weeks smaller than it should be at this point. I still don't understand how they can calculate it with such confidence.
We've seen lots of movement, though i have yet to feel anything. The baby is a squirmer! and a kicker and a puncher!
As the nicest of the 5 techs I met explained it it's like going to fill your car with gas and only having one valve that the gas is coming out of, it will fill but will take longer! So we have to rule out whether it's just small or if this is indictiave of something much worse. So today I had to have an amnio, a procedure that i was not at all mentally prepared to do today and was horribly painful but luckily didn't last too long. My stomach is still in knots as a result and i am waiting for a call for my midwife for some advice. I had breakfast at 7:30 AM and then nothing till after 3:00 when i got some soup. I started walking to the subway but my stomach is too upset to walk right now so i am parked in a fancy hotel lobby.
The other thing they have to rule out is blood clots, that the placenta is clotting and not enough blood is getting to the baby which is keeping it small. So they took more than 15 things of blood, I've never had a doctor take that much blood before. the told me to drink lots b/c they were taking so much blood and all they have are these tiny dentist size paper shot glasses, it was a joke. Mr. T was filling up 2 at a time as i downed one after another. I love doctors offices!
In 2 weeks we go back for a fetal ekg and test results.
We met with the doctor for what I thought was a consult but turned in to an all day and incredibly painful affair.
The good news, very good news, is that all the organs are there, the spine and heart look good and nothing seems to be missing! The bad news is that the baby is smaller than it should be, about 2 weeks smaller than it should be at this point. I still don't understand how they can calculate it with such confidence.
We've seen lots of movement, though i have yet to feel anything. The baby is a squirmer! and a kicker and a puncher!
As the nicest of the 5 techs I met explained it it's like going to fill your car with gas and only having one valve that the gas is coming out of, it will fill but will take longer! So we have to rule out whether it's just small or if this is indictiave of something much worse. So today I had to have an amnio, a procedure that i was not at all mentally prepared to do today and was horribly painful but luckily didn't last too long. My stomach is still in knots as a result and i am waiting for a call for my midwife for some advice. I had breakfast at 7:30 AM and then nothing till after 3:00 when i got some soup. I started walking to the subway but my stomach is too upset to walk right now so i am parked in a fancy hotel lobby.
The other thing they have to rule out is blood clots, that the placenta is clotting and not enough blood is getting to the baby which is keeping it small. So they took more than 15 things of blood, I've never had a doctor take that much blood before. the told me to drink lots b/c they were taking so much blood and all they have are these tiny dentist size paper shot glasses, it was a joke. Mr. T was filling up 2 at a time as i downed one after another. I love doctors offices!
In 2 weeks we go back for a fetal ekg and test results.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Always something. . .
So yesterday I had the big scan that happens at 20 weeks. There was a cool flat screen tv that allowed us to see everything as the technician was playing around. At first things were fun and exciting even if the technician had NO sense of humor and a limited bedside manner. But then things took a turn for the not so fun. She told me she was done but to wait a little bit. So Mr. T returned to work and I spent the next hour with two people trying to figure out how the machine worked and how to get the baby to move so they could see the spinal cord better and make sure that the heart looked ok. The baby, consistent as always refused to move for them. Then the technician questioned my duedate and said she thought it was 2 weeks later b/c the baby seems small. I was starving because this whole appointment took way longer than i had imagianed and was getting really sick of people poking my stomach and not explaining shit to me about what was wrong or what they were looking for. Finally they said I should come back in 2 weeks to see if the baby is any bigger and so they can try to look at the spinal cord again.
Today I get a call from my midwife who asked why I left before the doctor talked to me, when no one told me to wait for the doctor.
Apparently the umbilical cord is missing a vein. This happens in 1% of pregnancies and can mean some really horrible things or can just mean that the baby will be small and possibly early but otherwise fine. So now we have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to talk about what this all means, how serious it is, and whether we can still do a homebirth or if i will now be high risk.
I am trying to stay calm. It sounds like there's a 50% chance of things being fine and then a good chance of their being serious complications. The baby's heartrate is still nice and high, 155 and the legs and arms were squirming like crazy during the whole ordeal. All the body parts seem to be in the right spots, although the tech's communication skills were so low that I am not positive.
As my friend who recently had a homebirth said, the web is not your friend. So I am getting off the web before I read one more tragic story associated with this.
Today I get a call from my midwife who asked why I left before the doctor talked to me, when no one told me to wait for the doctor.
Apparently the umbilical cord is missing a vein. This happens in 1% of pregnancies and can mean some really horrible things or can just mean that the baby will be small and possibly early but otherwise fine. So now we have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to talk about what this all means, how serious it is, and whether we can still do a homebirth or if i will now be high risk.
I am trying to stay calm. It sounds like there's a 50% chance of things being fine and then a good chance of their being serious complications. The baby's heartrate is still nice and high, 155 and the legs and arms were squirming like crazy during the whole ordeal. All the body parts seem to be in the right spots, although the tech's communication skills were so low that I am not positive.
As my friend who recently had a homebirth said, the web is not your friend. So I am getting off the web before I read one more tragic story associated with this.
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