last post of 09!

Hard to believe 09 and the decade are drawing to a close. I feel like this year went so quickly and I have nothing to show for it but I guess that's really not true. Yes I am still unemployed and haven't even had an interview in months but I did get married and pregnant and start a CSA this year so I guess it was actually a pretty eventful year. I also did a lot of camping and biking and we were pretty broke for a good portion of the year so we barely ate out and were probably healthier than we've been in a long time.

I went to a session about prenatal nutrition. One of the interesting things was learning about "good" fats. She said that our bodies process fats in whole milk and whole dairy a lot faster and better than non-fat dairy and that those are fats that help with fetus brain development and are actually really important for all of us. She claims that the idea of low-fat milk being healthier is ludicrous. That was interesting.

When we came back from CA our fridge died so we had to throw out everything in our fridge and freezer. I woke up at 3:00 AM obsessed with what meals I will be eating for the next 4 days until finally I went to the kitchen and had some cheerios since we had nothing else. I haven't been that hungry in the middle of the night in weeks I thought I had moved past that! I officially can't button any of my jeans anymore and yet no one seems to know that I am pregnant or they sound surprised. I am bigger than I have ever been in my life!

Here's to 2010 a year of new beginnings and new possibilities. . .

Plot thickens!

So yesterday I call back my original in-network midwife and she has taken on a new patient and no longer has any May openings! I almost broke down on the phone with her. So now it's pay $3200 out of pocket for people that we really like or start all over again with someone else and do a hospital birth. I just called my lovely insurance and the Brooklyn Birthing center would not be covered at all, so that's no longer an option. I cannot believe how complicated this is!

I cannot believe that we got married so that I can be on this freakin insurance and the insurance covers nothing that I want! I can't believe that the most progressive union in the city representing 100,000 workers will not cover a homebirth. It is so outrageous!!!!

I am so frustrated with this country and the state of healthcare and the utter lack of options.

I hate this country!

So last week Mr. T and I met with these really cool homebirth midwifes that we both had a good feeling about and decided that we want to work with them. Yesterday I had my first appointment and everything seemed to be on track. Today I find out that my insurance will only cover $2800 total for a homebirth which means that we would have to pay $3000 out of pocket. If we do a hopsital birth it will be completely covered. Even though a hospital birth will cost the insurance company 3 or maybe 4 times what a homebirth would cost they will pay the whole thing no questions asked!

I am not working and don't seem to be very good at earning money. Technically we can get $3000 together and the midwifes are happy to accept a payment plan but does it make sense considering how many more expenses we will have once the baby is born and considering that we could deliver for free.

Or is that the wrong way to look at it. Should I look at it as having the experience and care that I want is worth paying for regardless.

I feel like during a homebirth we would be completely cared for and respected and unhurried and we can create whatever kind of environment that we want. With a hospital we have no control of the environment, I would still get good care but i would be in an institution and have to follow their rules and have to fight for stuff that would not be a struggle in our livingroom!

Feeling very conflicted and incredibly frustrated!

Havn't blogged in a while

I caught a really bad cold over thanksgiving and sort of lost my blogging rhythm but I am back! Still haven't conquered this cold it just wants to linger I guess, haven't had any coffee in 10 days now.

I dreamt last night that Nessli, my parents black lab jumped into the back of a red convertible and wouldn't come back and this sleazy couple came out and drove away totally unaware of him. We were calling and calling and then Mr. T and I grabbed skateboards to try and catch up with him but couldn't catch them. It was sad being home without Mr. Ness around he was such a strong personality and a regal presence.

Lets see last I wrote our baby blob was running marathons inside me. I've since cut down to half a pill of synthroid and the baby's heartbeat has stabilized at 160, still a fast mover! I am finally officially in the second trimester I was starting to wonder if it would ever start. I am still peeing all the time even though your bladder is supposed to calm down after the first and before the third.

I applied for a job at the Moth this week, would love to hear back from them! Check out their podcast if you don't know it: www.themoth.org fingers crossed.

I applied for a scholarship to the food conference in CA which i am optimistic about. On Wednesday I volunteered at the office for a full day and was reminded all over again why i truly don't like office jobs! There's something inherently flawed and empty in office culture. It doesn't help of course when they ask you to come in and volunteer and don't really have anything for you to do. . .and you have too much time to observe the bizarre dynamics and personalities around you.

Yesterday I went to a maternity store to buy what I thought was going to be a giant rubberband but is really more like a mini skirt. The idea is that you don't have to button your jeans, you just put this over them and no one can tell that you can't quite get the zipper up! It should allow me to wear my favorite jeans for another few months so I consider it a good investment. The store was ridiculous. As I was trying to pay the woman asked for my address and phone number which I didn't give to her, "but we'll send you cool gifts closer to your duedate!" she insisted, no gracias! Then she tried to give me a "giftbag" full of coupons and told me that if I spend $75 they will give me a $50 gift certificate to some restaurants, imagine what those would be like! It's been so long since i was at a place that was so blatantly trying to gimmick people, and of course the stuff in there was super cheesy. The thought of having to go shopping for clothes that I will only wear for a few months is quite depressing.

I've been reading Ina May's guide to childbirth. She's a midwife who started a commune with her husband in the 70's in Tennessee and they still live there and provide a birthing center. The whole first half of the book is women's birthing stories, not the best reading before bed, unless you want to dream about "rushes" which is what they call contractions and crowning all night.

no real title

Can't come up with anything catchy. Tomorrow is Turkey day and the official start of the "holiday season." I feel like even trying to find a job during the holiday season is pointless no one hires until January and everyone is distracted and preoccupied and not much work even gets done. Like how i try to justify the fact that I am resigned to my unemployed state? I just can't seem to make money making a priority.

Yesterday I met with the midwife again who was shocked that we hadn't talked about what any of the tests meant, she said she always talks to people about them, well not to me! The good news is that all the tests look normal no alarming freaky diseases at this point. But then she listened to the heartbeat and said she had NEVER heard such a fast heart beat on such a small fetus before. When they start moving around a lot the heart rate can soar but at this stage they ain't really working out too much. It was so high that it was off the dopler and she had to use her watch. she counted 200!

I got a flat tire on the way to her office and made a mad dash for the subway with my bike to get there on time so maybe the fetus was just really excited, though my heartrate was only at 80, as exciting as a flat was. . . The only theory she could come up with was that I was on too high a dosage of synthroid so she took more blood. Of course with tom. being thanksgiving i probably won't find out anything for a while and meanwhile my blob of a baby is running marathons in there. She said she had no idea why the baby would be working so hard but i guess better that than a faint heartbeat or missing heart beats.

This weekend Mr. T and I watched The Business of Being Born the homebirth movement cult classic. I think Mr. T is beginning to understand some of my critiques of hospitals and OB's and is even coming around to the idea of a home birth. You know it's good agit prop when Mr. T woke up the next morning and said he had a dream about labor, it's starting to sink in!

I have decided to go to the Hazon food conference in CA again over Xmas so I have to go and write some essays to hopefully get a full scholarship to attend. . .

Please explain

Here's a great ad. It's got everything I love: missing words, a ridiculous concept, and no pay:

Need photographer for vegan calender shoot (brooklyn)
Date: 2009-11-18, 11:12PM EST
Reply to: gigs-5efyh-1472606486@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

We are making a calender to benefit vegan and animal rights non- profits. The models are going to be nude in different themes for each month and they will each give a quick vegan recipe. We are looking for a talented photographer looking to donate their time for the experience and good cause. Please email with samples of work, must be able to shoot in the next couple weeks as we need to get the calender out asap, and having resources to studios or ideas you have are a plus but not a deal breaker. This will be a lot of fun for you and great for a portfolio. I look forward to working with you.

* Location: brooklyn
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

Please explain to me what nude models have to do with vegan recipes or animal rights! Where do people come up with these things?

The endocronologist finally got back to me last night and has decided to put me on a low dosage of synthroid, a thyroid medicine that apparently cannot be taken with food in your system. She said to take it first thing in the morning and then wait a full 30 minutes before having breakfast. I should then wait to take my prenatal vitamins until the afternoon so they don't interfere with the synthroid absorption. I cannot possibly wait 30 minutes before eating breakfast! When I wake up I am starving and can't even wait five minutes before eating. So I took it last night at 2 AM during a bathroom visit. Considering I wake up at least once a night to pee, usually more, I plan on taking it then, I hope that doesn't screw up the effectiveness.

I of course spent a few hours last night reading all over again about low thyroid and pregnancy and there are all these studies that prove that women with low thyroid had babies with lower IQs than "normal" moms. One article I read actually said, "than normal moms!" how can they possibly pinpoint that? How do they know it's the thyroid lowering the IQ and not a 1000 other factors? I also don't understand how I could not have a single one of the symptoms and still possibly be dumbing down our baby. The doctor said she has seen plenty of women with my levels who have fine babies, but are they just a wee bit dumber than they would have been?

Fun thoughts.

A job would be good right about now.

1 more thing

Another really cool thing about homebirth midwives is that they do all the prenatal visits in your apartment! Which means no longer waiting a full hour in a cramped waiting room to meet a distracted provider. While I was waiting to meet the endocronologist last week who has yet to get back to me with my blood work results there were literally 4 different pharmacutical reps. who stopped by the office to drop off pens and fancy booklets about the drugs they were pedaling. One of the other doctors flirted with 3 pretty girls and promised to call them as soon as he had made a decision. These women dress in these horrible suits and are so dolled up it's amazing they can even walk. How do you get up every morning and do that? It's one of the more depressing career choices. So instead of sitting in a room where the clock has a corporate ad and the sheet that doesn't cover my body, and every square inch of the room has been sold and bid on I can actually just be in my apartment with mice and roaches instead!

As I was about to publish this post a little ad popped up on the screen for bluebird midwifery practice, blogger saw that I was writing about midwifes and thought I might like to call this practice, how sweet of them! There's one midwife I will NOT be calling!